


everything i wanted

by casnovek



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bottom Anakin Skywalker, Dark Obi-Wan Kenobi, Drunk Obi-Wan Kenobi, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Sith Obi-Wan Kenobi, Smut, Top Obi-Wan Kenobi, but like really light smut, i havent finished clone wars yet so if anything is innacurate dont come at me pls, ptsd obiwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23809336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casnovek/pseuds/casnovek
Summary: Obi-Wan has severe ptsd of the war, and takes a break from the fighting. Anakin can't let his master alone in a time like this, so he stays too. They find a new bond together. But Obi-Wan has secrets of his own, secrets he can't hide from Anakin forever.I've divided it into two parts which are both in chapter one. Part two get's a bit smutty, so beware.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 6
Kudos: 101





	everything i wanted

Part 1.

Obi-Wan looked at the carnage around him. Dozens of clones had died, and even one of the Jedi masters hadn’t made it. He couldn’t do much but stare, feeling barely a thing. Deep down he knew it was a bad thing. This destruction should make him feel… sad at least. But all he felt was emptiness. It had become his life.  
A wounded clone passed him. Obi-Wan didn’t understand why the medics even tried anymore. This clone would die, just like his brothers. There was too much blood, too much gore. Too much. 

He was back at the Jedi temple. After returning from his recent mission Yoda had taken one look at Obi-Wan, and decided him to be out of the field for the next one. Obi-Wan tried to protest, but even he knew he didn’t fully mean it. He needed a break.  
So he went to his room, where he bumped into Anakin. His padawan was sitting on Obi-Wan’s bed, staring down at his feet. When he heard the door open he looked up, a rarely seen hesitance in his gaze. He didn’t say anything. He knew he didn’t need to.  
Obi-Wan walked over to his dresser, and put his robe inside. A mirror hung above it, and the Jedi looked at his reflection. In his mind, he knew it was him. Somewhere, he was still the general his soldiers looked up to, the master Anakin came too for advice. But he didn’t feel like it anymore, didn’t even look like him anymore.  
In one of his drawers Obi-Wan had hidden a bottle of whiskey. It was from back when he was younger, when he sometimes drank with the other padawan’s. He hadn’t drunk in a while.  
As he held it in his hand he felt Anakin tense up behind him.  
“Master.”  
Obi-Wan ignored him. He merely looked at the bottle. Maybe it would help. Maybe the numbness would make place for carelessness. Because that’s what he needed right now. He wanted to stop caring. So he screwed the cap off, and put the bottle to his lips.  
Over their force bond, Obi-Wan could feel Anakin’s mixed emotions. On the one hand, he wanted to stop his master. Drinking was forbidden, especially strongly alcoholic beverages. But he understood. Anakin knew how horrible the war was, and he got it. Obi-Wan even felt the tiny part of Anakin that wanted to join his master, and that wanted to forget everything. But Anakin was born in war. He didn’t understand peace, so war was less horrible for him.  
So Obi-Wan kept drinking. He didn’t stop, and when he finally removed his lips from the bottle, it was almost half-empty.  
“Don’t tell..” He started, but Anakin wouldn’t say anything. He understood the desire to go against the rules more than anyone. But Anakin couldn’t see this. He didn’t want to see his mentor like this. So he left, leaving Obi-Wan to an empty room, and a bottle that would be empty too soon. 

After years of war, Obi-Wan had gotten used to not sleeping well. He had been plagued by nightmares since the beginning. Nightmares of the clones dying, of Jedi dying. Of Qui-Gon getting killed. Sometimes he dreamt about Anakin dying.  
And even drunk and drowsy, sleep didn’t come. He couldn’t handle it. He wouldn’t handle it. For one night, he decided to stop pretending, and to give in. So he stood up.

When a knock came upon his door, Anakin immediately looked at the clock. It was the middle of the night. Who would come to him at this time? Was it a member of the council, with another mission? Or maybe Ahsoka, who had been on a mission herself. But what he didn’t expect was to find a drunk Obi-Wan barging in, and immediately lying down on Anakin’s bed.  
“Please don’t ask questions,” he said in the pillows “I just want to sleep.”  
So Anakin went to his bed, and got settled beside Obi-Wan. He didn’t sleep much, instead listened to his master’s breathing. He couldn’t say it was peaceful, but at least now he couldn’t see the sad, pained look that always existed within Obi-Wan’s eyes.  
Anakin knew it was wrong, but he moved a bit closer. He wanted to shield this Jedi from the pain, from the sorrow. He couldn’t do this, he knew that. But if he held Obi-Wan in his arms, maybe it would feel like he could. So he did.

That night, both man had slept better than in the months, even years before. So Obi-Wan stopped sleeping alone. And as long as Obi-Wan didn’t go on missions, Anakin would stay too. The council didn’t approve, but Anakin silently vetoed their decisions. Obi-Wan probably didn’t even know that the council didn’t like it, because he didn’t say anything about it to Anakin. But he didn’t say much in general. The only sign that Anakin saw that indicated that Obi-Wan was still Obi-Wan, was the live in his eyes when he woke up. It was full of life and hope. And every morning Anakin knew the sorrow would come back within minutes, seconds even. But those few seconds he knew his master was somewhere inside. He knew he hadn't lost him yet. 

One night it got particularly bad. Obi-Wan didn’t show up to Anakin’s room, so he started to worry. When he heard the bells that indicated it was midnight, he got up and went to Obi-Wan’s room. He wouldn’t soon forget what he saw.  
Obi-Wan was passed out on the floor, a leaking bottle of whiskey in his hand, scratch marks on his wrists and neck. Later, Anakin would learn Obi-Wan had become drunker than ever before, and he had tried to claw himself open. He wanted to get rid of the pain, and in his drunken state had thought it wise to inflict more pain upon himself to cancel it out. Of course it didn’t work. But it definitely was a turning point for Anakin, and since that evening he didn’t let Obi-Wan get out of his sight. They rarely left Anakin’s room and Anakin made sure Obi-Wan didn’t drink anymore.  
He hated when he had to report, or when he needed to train Ahsoka. It meant leaving Obi-Wan alone. 

Whenever Anakin was near him, Obi-Wan felt safer. He knew his padawan better than anyone. He found comfort in his arms, and security in his words. And when Anakin was near, he wouldn’t have the dark thoughts he’d had before.  
But now he was gone, his own padawan needed him. This had happened a few times before, of course. Anakin wasn’t exclusive, especially not to Obi-Wan. But whenever Anakin left, Obi-Wan’s thoughts would turn dark. And not dark as in the war. Dark as in, leaving the council. Leaving the republic. He was done with leaving. He was done with having his enemies escape time after time. Done with loosing men, when droids were easier to lose. He wasn’t dumb, so he never said anything to Anakin.  
But weeks passed. And the thoughts kept returning, when Anakin was gone or asleep. So one when Anakin had left that day, so did Obi-Wan.  
Being one of the highest ranking generals in the army, he knew ways to contact the separatists. He knew most of them wouldn’t want to talk to him, but maybe count Dooku would. After all, he once was a Jedi. So Obi-Wan contacted him.  
But as soon as he saw the Sith Lord’s face, he shut the comm down. He backed away from it, falling over a loose wire on the ground. His mind was screaming, and he wanted it to stop. 

Hours later Anakin found his master bundled up, his knees to his chest and his head low. Tears streamed down his cheeks. He wouldn’t talk. Not even to Anakin. Not even when they were alone, Obi-Wan back between Anakin’s arms. 

A few weeks went by. Anakin would sometimes come back to an empty room. The first time had been alarming. After the state he had found his master in last time, Anakin didn’t want him to go off alone anymore. But Obi-Wan had come back feeling.. better than before. He talked a bit more, and after days he even smiled slightly. Anakin didn’t know what he did when he was gone, but he was glad he did it. Because now, Obi-Wan wasn’t continuously sad anymore. He bickered with Anakin again, and smiled while doing it. His eyes were less empty.  
The only thing Anakin did mind was their force bond. Obi-Wan had closed his side off more and more, and now Anakin could only see small parts of what he felt.  
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said one day, looking up from his book “Have you ever had doubts about the council, or the republic.”  
Anakin was taken aback by this question. Of course, he had doubts. After dating and then breaking up with Padmé he found that the Jedi rules were a bit harsh, and he had always been a bit rebellious. But whenever something close to the subject came up, Obi-Wan would talk over it. So this question was the last thing he expected.  
“You know I have.” He replied, and kept it at that. He didn’t want to provoke anything.  
But Obi-Wan only replied with a vague ‘hm’ and went back to reading.

The next day Obi-Wan asked Anakin again, but now he added something.  
“Are you and Padmé still together.”  
At first Anakin had tried to deny it, but it was futile. Of course Obi-Wan had known.  
“No. She.. broke up with me. I may have said some, ah, insensitive things to her about the way the democracy works. She didn’t like it.”  
Obi-Wan smiled at that.  
“I agree with you.” He looked right into Anakin’s eyes. “Doubt about the system does creep up sometimes.” 

These questions kept coming up at random times, and Anakin always answered them honestly. Most were about the council and the republic, but sometimes he’d ask him about the sith or the separatists. Anakin didn’t support the darker side, but he had to agree with some of their decisions. Using droids instead of people, for example. But it would take quite a lot to join them, which Obi-Wan had only asked about once. 

Part 2.

Anakin was sitting on his bed, reading some texts. Obi-Wan had left again, and he hadn't been back for a few hours now. Anakin knew better than to worry. This happened a lot lately, and Obi-Wan would always return in a good mood. So Anakin merely waited.  
Obi-Wan returned after dark, and Anakin had already changed his clothing for simple boxers and a t-shirt. Someone knocked on his door, and Anakin wondered who would knock this late. Then he remembered he had locked the door when he had showered, so this was probably Obi-Wan.  
He opened the door, and was met my hands on his hips. Before he knew how to react, Obi-Wan had closed the door, and pushed Anakin against the wall beside it. He tilted his head up, lips ghosting over each other.  
“Off all the rules the Jedi have ever thought of,” he said “I’ve always hated the one about celibacy most.”  
Anakin’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. Obi-Wan felt his silent consent on their bond, and kissed his padawan. He lips were rougher than Anakin had thought, and his beard tickled a bit. But he felt drunk on the taste of his lips. Obi-Wan opened Anakin’s mouth with his own, and licked inside. His hands kept Anakin’s hips pinned against the wall. Anakin used his own to grab into Obi-Wan’s hair, trying to push them even closer. Robes were removed quickly, and Obi-Wan was left in his underwear. It wasn’t like Anakin had never seen him shirtless before. He sometimes even slept shirtless. But it felt different now. Because now he could touch him. Now he could slide his hand over Obi-Wan’s chest, and tangle his fingers in the tiny bit of hair on it. And as Obi-Wan moved his lips to Anakin’s neck, the padawan gripped every part of his master where he could reach to pull him closer. He moaned underneath his touch, moving his head back to give Obi-Wan more access. And then Obi-Wan picked him up, Anakin’s knees next to his hips, and he moved them to the bed.  
When Obi-Wan entered him, Anakin felt like he might melt. It hurt at first, but after a while it felt better than he’d ever felt with Padmé. His thrusts were slow at first, but became quick and messy soon enough. They both needed this, they both had begged for this for years. But neither of them thought they’d ever act upon it. It wasn’t right to have sex for a Jedi. Especially two of them together. Especially two men. And Anakin knew this wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t the person Obi-Wan was meant to be. It was wrong, and something was wrong. But how could something be wrong, when this felt so good?

After that night, their relationship changed. they would sleep even closer together, sometimes even on top of eachother. They walked the halls together and when no one was looking Obi-Wan would push them into a dark corner and they kissed. Obi-Wan liked being in charge, and Anakin gladly gave him the lead. He would also always be on top, sometimes inside Anakin, but sometimes riding him.  
He still disappeared. It happened more often, and for longer periods of time. But Anakin felt better than anytime before, so he didn’t think much of it. He was drunk in the moments they spend together, and high on the memories when they weren’t. He didn’t care what Obi-Wan did, as long as he came back happy and horny.

At least, until Anakin stumbled upon him one day in the communication room. He overheard Obi-Wan talking to someone, which was strange. For starters, none of the Jedi really talked to him anymore. They left him to his own, saying he would find himself again some day. And it wasn’t like Obi-Wan really knew other people. The war had become his life. So Anakin just listened to the conversation he had half-missed.  
“..opened up about doubts, but nothing suggests a change yet.” Obi-Wan’s voice sounded political and serious, something that Anakin hadn’t heard in a while. “My part in it does certainly work. I’m sure I’ll get him for you soon enough.”  
What.  
Then a lower, darker voice that Anakin immediately recognized to be Count Dooku’s.  
“Make sure it happens soon. I’ve been waiting long enough, and I want him. He is said to be the most powerful Jedi.”  
Anakin backed into the wall. Why was Obi-Wan talking to Dooku. Why were they discussing him of all people. Why was Anakin important.  
In his retreat Anakin bumped into something. A comm fell, and it made a soft sound when it hit the floor.  
But Obi-Wan had heard it, and grabbed his lightsaber. He turned around, facing Anakin.  
“What did you hear.” It wasn’t as much a question as it was an order.  
Anakin didn’t talk. He just looked into the eyes of his master, trying to find the mind tricks that Dooku must have placed inside of him.  
“What. Did. You. Hear.” He clicked his lightsaber on. The room was bathed in red light. Not blue. Not even green. Red.  
“What have you done?” Anakin asked, tears already forming in his eyes. His master, his friend and lover, had a red lightsaber. What had happened that Obi-Wan chose this.  
“I haven’t done anything.” Obi-Wan didn’t need to say ‘yet’, but they both felt it hanging in the silence. He lowered his lightsaber a few inches. “I merely realised that we’ve chosen the wrong side. The side that’s going to lose.”  
Then Anakin ran. He didn’t want to hear more. He didn’t know where he’d go. Obi-Wan didn’t deserve whatever had happened to him, and Anakin didn’t want to make it worse by going to the council. So he ran away, into the city and away from the temple. He tried to run from his thoughts. From the thoughts that still doubted everything he knew. The thoughts that knew, deep down, that the republic wouldn’t win this war. The thoughts that wanted to join the dark side.  
He ran until he didn’t think anymore.

Not thinking turned out to be a good thing, because when he got back to his room, Obi-Wan was waiting for him in the chair. He opened his mouth, but before he could speak Anakin was on his lap, kissing and grinding. He pulled apart just long enough to say,  
“I don’t know what to do. But for now I choose you.”  
This was all Obi-Wan needed to hear. This was a sign that Anakin would join his master wherever he went, a sign that he would turn against what he knew for him. As long as he wasn’t alone.  
And in that moment it was all Obi-Wan needed, so he let Anakin slowly give in.

**Author's Note:**

> yes i named this after the song from billie eilish. i was listening to it when i wrote it ok
> 
> also i havent rly edited this so if there are any typos im sorry


End file.
